Grief.

Grandma's funeral visitation, prayer service and funeral mass were really nice. I am struggling with her death more than I thought I would. I couldn't make it through either the prayer service or the mass without several breakdowns. Very unlike me. Andy was the trooper and really held me (literally and figuratively) together.

I am soul searching to find out why I am struggling with this grief so much and have drawn some really basic conclusions, but can't offer myself a way out of the darkness. I think I may just need to walk through it.

There were two role-model, life defining women in my life; my mother, and my grandmother. My mom died when I was 34 years old, almost 8 years ago. I grieved a bit when she died, but for some reason it wasn't as hard as it was supposed to be. I had people to take care of after it happened; my dad, my kids, my sisters. I think that losing Grandma has made the finality of losing both of these great women real. So now I am really reeling. I am 41 years old. I don't really feel like I need a mentor, but I guess that I always knew I had one if I did.

The feelings are confused and disjointed right now, hence the confused blog postings.

I am thankful for our time with Grandma. I am so blessed that Andy encouraged me to invite her into our home. I am grateful for all the things she shared with us, and we shared with her. Thankful for the time she had with the boys. I miss her.

I am struggling through this. I hate it. My natural instinct is to "tough it out" , not show any emotional pain or softness. I am struggling every day not to cry or scream in public. SO obviously I have some issues to work through.